New invention idea: vibrating tampons
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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