On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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