Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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