What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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