I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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