to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
