the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
