Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
