OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
