did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
