I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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