I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
