Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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