he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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