the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
