I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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