if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm always down for nudity.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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