Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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