I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
