You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
