wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
