turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
