Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
