why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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