I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
