So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
