When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
