I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
