i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
