i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
