Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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