My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
