I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
