Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Panties = found
Randomize
