Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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