it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
