please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
