woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
