Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
