as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
my shit smells like andre
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
