Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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