Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
