Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I will die if light touches me.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
