Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
