Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
