Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The ass gains better be worth it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
