So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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