you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize