I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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