So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
