If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
