is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
