i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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