Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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