The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
