There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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