if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
