I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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