i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
