hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
