The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
