last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
