It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize