Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
