She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
