Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
