I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
